Happy New Year to all!!~ Hope everyone is having a great time enjoying the hols n celebrating the hope of a new n better year (=
im feeling alot of uncertainty in the new year ahead... having to work EXTRA hard to pull up my horrendous cap... n not being able to take any same modules with my dear frens in the coming sem. >.<" Why are we all taking different MAJORS?? sighh. I wish i was more independent n strong!! Like qihui! hahaha.. she can totally survive on her own... n working crazy hours the past sem!! I think if it were me i'd just die n wallow in loneliness n self pity xp
But im realli scared of next yr... theres no more gd frens to take same mods with.. no more jeremy to picnic with me in lecture.. no moreeeee......... so many no moreees!!~ Haishh. How to feel hopeful in the new year? >.<"
I think im pretty much pmsing right now... maybe its the hot weather... lol... but amidst all the fireworks i see on tv..all the hoo-haa n joyful celebrations going on ard now.... i feel pretty much.. empty.
Cant really trace this sense of emptiness tho... alot of times i dun realli noe why i feel the way i feel? maybe its the irritating hot weather im not used to after enjoying the nice cool weather in Taiwan... maybe im frustrated at my pimple outbreak, bad throat n bad results... maybe its bcos im jus plain pmsy.. maybe its bcos the first round of bidding is starting soon n i haven finished choosing my modules.. or successfully found somebody to take smth with me!( I feel lk an utter FAILURE!!) Or maybe its bcos of the emptiness that has never left me.
Amidst all the avenues of escape that God has provided for me through holidays n frens n family which im realli thankful for.. i cant help but feel empty still. All those stuff going ard me has pretty much filled the gap but there are still gaps.. wen that sucky feeling creeps up on me n resurfaces before i go to bed.. wen im stoning.. yadayada... I guess its pretty normal huh.. otherwise i'd be heartless! Glad to noe i have a normal heart.. hahaha. but sucks to feel that way.
Ive felt upset at myself... disappointed.. angry... sad.... hurt.... possibly all the negative emotions.. but this is probably the first time ive ever found myself or rmb feeling so empty...
Its quite a scary feeling.. feeling so alone even wen ppl are ard u.. Feeling so cold amidst the hype. Sounds lk dementors sucking ur soul out of u n u feel lk u can never feel happy or hopeful again huh.
I dun want ppl to worry abt me after reading my posts ya... sometimes i dunno whether i shud blog.. but wenever i feel lk some sort of strong emotion i usually feel lk writing to express n vent all my emotions out so ill feel better n writing helps me think thru abt what im feeling too n make sense out of everyth so it'd stop bothering me. Im afraid to let ppl noe how i feel inside most of the time.. but somehow i feel lk i still want someone out there to noe it.. lk im talking to someone. So i dun write diaries anymore cos its lk talking to myself. haha. I dun realli want ppl fussing over me n stuffs.. im glad my blog is pretty ulu so i feel more at ease at expressing myself. haha.
Anw hu those to acty read this post, Happy New Year to u, n no worries ill be my normal self most of the time(:
It's so hard trying to make out what is black or white... out of grey..
is there ever a right time to confront someone... or what to do in a relationship.. or in any given situation? is there really a right way to react... a wrong way to behave..
sometimes things are jus not so clear... not clear at all... between whats right.. or wrong... whats right to do or say and whens the right time to do or say it.
Its so hard to balance between what u really want to do... n that fear of destroying something.. a relationship... a friendship.
And sometimes its scary... that ppl only let u in.. on the side that u want ppl to see u... including me. You think that its a valid reason... to show only one side of you.. cos showing the other side of you... may jus become rejected by other ppl... or jeopardize a relationship or smth.. but sometimes i wonder which is scarier... seeing the real side of someone even tho its hard to accept... or being hidden from the real side...?
Like for example.. u think that ur fren looks fatter. But u don't tell ur fren that... she's put on weight cos u fear that u'd hurt his/her feelings. And so u tel another fren that he/she looks fatter. Which wud u prefer? having someone tell that u look fat to ur face? or being 'blissfully' hidden from the truth? Or which wud u prefer- being the kind of person that on the account of protecting other ppl's feelings by omitting certain truths... or the kind that wears no masks n jus say things as it is?
It's kind of scary that people.. including me.. let ppl in only maybe to half-truths about themselves.. to portray themselves in certain lights... so u never noe the creepy side.. the dark side of what they acty feel or think. Maybe its good.. that u protect a relationship in this way... but the scariness of never letting someone fully in... or never letting anyone noe who u really are... or maybe never knowing hu someone actually is.. n the selfishness of protecting ur own image..is just creepy.
I don't know what to think abt anyth.. anyone.. anymore.
Sometimes ppl tell u something.. but u cant help wondering.. what acty is the truth... or u're told smth n u find out theres acty more to it. Sometimes u smile in front of others.. but ure dying inside. Sometimes ppl smile to you... n they're stabbing u inside.
It sucks.. playing guessing games but i guess thats what people do in real life.. n thats what life makes u do.
Anw.. if u thought ive really moved on.. in 10 days... erased everyth tts transpired in the past.. 10 mts.. and the year before that... well... ive been able to push thoughts of that aside.. negative emotions n everyth.. behave normally n get on happily. But it doesnt stop the loneliness from creeping into me sometimes.. sneaking attacks on me.. n i still feel the gaping hole of where u used to be. I know this is what i chose.. becos there are jus too many question marks in the relationship. I guess it hurts less bcos i noe ure still there for me.. n.. i dunno what i shud do too. I want u to be here for me.. but i dont, too, at the same time cos i noe we will never be. I keep telling u to move on.. but tts not acty what i want.. but what i noe u.. and i shud do.
心痛比快樂更真實 xin tong bi kuai le geng zhen shi Heartache is more real then happiness. 愛為何這樣的諷刺 ai wei he zhe yang de feng ci Why does love (have) this kind satire. 我忘了這是第幾次 wo wang le zhe shi di ji ci I've forgotten how many times 一見你就無法堅持 yi jian ni jiu wu fa jian chi I've been unable to keep it together when I see you. 孤獨比擁抱更真實 gu du bi yong bao geng zhen shi Loneliness is more real then an embrace. 愛讓人失去了理智 ai rang ren shi qu le li zhi Love makes people lose (their) rationality. 會不會是我太自私hui bu hui shi wo tai zi si Am I being too selfish for 拒絕更寂寞的日子 ju jue geng ji mo de ri zi rejecting more lonelier days.
放不開fang bu kai (I) cannot let go 也看不見未來 ye kan bu jian wei lai nor see (my) future. 難道這種不完美 nan dao zhe zhong bu wan mei Could it be that this imperfectness 才是愛情真實的樣子 cai shi ai qing zhen shi de yang ziis what love really is.
Happy New Year to all!!~ Hope everyone is having a great time enjoying the hols n celebrating the hope of a new n better year (=
im feeling alot of uncertainty in the new year ahead... having to work EXTRA hard to pull up my horrendous cap... n not being able to take any same modules with my dear frens in the coming sem. >.<" Why are we all taking different MAJORS?? sighh. I wish i was more independent n strong!! Like qihui! hahaha.. she can totally survive on her own... n working crazy hours the past sem!! I think if it were me i'd just die n wallow in loneliness n self pity xp
But im realli scared of next yr... theres no more gd frens to take same mods with.. no more jeremy to picnic with me in lecture.. no moreeeee......... so many no moreees!!~ Haishh. How to feel hopeful in the new year? >.<"
I think im pretty much pmsing right now... maybe its the hot weather... lol... but amidst all the fireworks i see on tv..all the hoo-haa n joyful celebrations going on ard now.... i feel pretty much.. empty.
Cant really trace this sense of emptiness tho... alot of times i dun realli noe why i feel the way i feel? maybe its the irritating hot weather im not used to after enjoying the nice cool weather in Taiwan... maybe im frustrated at my pimple outbreak, bad throat n bad results... maybe its bcos im jus plain pmsy.. maybe its bcos the first round of bidding is starting soon n i haven finished choosing my modules.. or successfully found somebody to take smth with me!( I feel lk an utter FAILURE!!) Or maybe its bcos of the emptiness that has never left me.
Amidst all the avenues of escape that God has provided for me through holidays n frens n family which im realli thankful for.. i cant help but feel empty still. All those stuff going ard me has pretty much filled the gap but there are still gaps.. wen that sucky feeling creeps up on me n resurfaces before i go to bed.. wen im stoning.. yadayada... I guess its pretty normal huh.. otherwise i'd be heartless! Glad to noe i have a normal heart.. hahaha. but sucks to feel that way.
Ive felt upset at myself... disappointed.. angry... sad.... hurt.... possibly all the negative emotions.. but this is probably the first time ive ever found myself or rmb feeling so empty...
Its quite a scary feeling.. feeling so alone even wen ppl are ard u.. Feeling so cold amidst the hype. Sounds lk dementors sucking ur soul out of u n u feel lk u can never feel happy or hopeful again huh.
I dun want ppl to worry abt me after reading my posts ya... sometimes i dunno whether i shud blog.. but wenever i feel lk some sort of strong emotion i usually feel lk writing to express n vent all my emotions out so ill feel better n writing helps me think thru abt what im feeling too n make sense out of everyth so it'd stop bothering me. Im afraid to let ppl noe how i feel inside most of the time.. but somehow i feel lk i still want someone out there to noe it.. lk im talking to someone. So i dun write diaries anymore cos its lk talking to myself. haha. I dun realli want ppl fussing over me n stuffs.. im glad my blog is pretty ulu so i feel more at ease at expressing myself. haha.
Anw hu those to acty read this post, Happy New Year to u, n no worries ill be my normal self most of the time(:
It's so hard trying to make out what is black or white... out of grey..
is there ever a right time to confront someone... or what to do in a relationship.. or in any given situation? is there really a right way to react... a wrong way to behave..
sometimes things are jus not so clear... not clear at all... between whats right.. or wrong... whats right to do or say and whens the right time to do or say it.
Its so hard to balance between what u really want to do... n that fear of destroying something.. a relationship... a friendship.
And sometimes its scary... that ppl only let u in.. on the side that u want ppl to see u... including me. You think that its a valid reason... to show only one side of you.. cos showing the other side of you... may jus become rejected by other ppl... or jeopardize a relationship or smth.. but sometimes i wonder which is scarier... seeing the real side of someone even tho its hard to accept... or being hidden from the real side...?
Like for example.. u think that ur fren looks fatter. But u don't tell ur fren that... she's put on weight cos u fear that u'd hurt his/her feelings. And so u tel another fren that he/she looks fatter. Which wud u prefer? having someone tell that u look fat to ur face? or being 'blissfully' hidden from the truth? Or which wud u prefer- being the kind of person that on the account of protecting other ppl's feelings by omitting certain truths... or the kind that wears no masks n jus say things as it is?
It's kind of scary that people.. including me.. let ppl in only maybe to half-truths about themselves.. to portray themselves in certain lights... so u never noe the creepy side.. the dark side of what they acty feel or think. Maybe its good.. that u protect a relationship in this way... but the scariness of never letting someone fully in... or never letting anyone noe who u really are... or maybe never knowing hu someone actually is.. n the selfishness of protecting ur own image..is just creepy.
I don't know what to think abt anyth.. anyone.. anymore.
Sometimes ppl tell u something.. but u cant help wondering.. what acty is the truth... or u're told smth n u find out theres acty more to it. Sometimes u smile in front of others.. but ure dying inside. Sometimes ppl smile to you... n they're stabbing u inside.
It sucks.. playing guessing games but i guess thats what people do in real life.. n thats what life makes u do.
Anw.. if u thought ive really moved on.. in 10 days... erased everyth tts transpired in the past.. 10 mts.. and the year before that... well... ive been able to push thoughts of that aside.. negative emotions n everyth.. behave normally n get on happily. But it doesnt stop the loneliness from creeping into me sometimes.. sneaking attacks on me.. n i still feel the gaping hole of where u used to be. I know this is what i chose.. becos there are jus too many question marks in the relationship. I guess it hurts less bcos i noe ure still there for me.. n.. i dunno what i shud do too. I want u to be here for me.. but i dont, too, at the same time cos i noe we will never be. I keep telling u to move on.. but tts not acty what i want.. but what i noe u.. and i shud do.
心痛比快樂更真實 xin tong bi kuai le geng zhen shi Heartache is more real then happiness. 愛為何這樣的諷刺 ai wei he zhe yang de feng ci Why does love (have) this kind satire. 我忘了這是第幾次 wo wang le zhe shi di ji ci I've forgotten how many times 一見你就無法堅持 yi jian ni jiu wu fa jian chi I've been unable to keep it together when I see you. 孤獨比擁抱更真實 gu du bi yong bao geng zhen shi Loneliness is more real then an embrace. 愛讓人失去了理智 ai rang ren shi qu le li zhi Love makes people lose (their) rationality. 會不會是我太自私hui bu hui shi wo tai zi si Am I being too selfish for 拒絕更寂寞的日子 ju jue geng ji mo de ri zi rejecting more lonelier days.
放不開fang bu kai (I) cannot let go 也看不見未來 ye kan bu jian wei lai nor see (my) future. 難道這種不完美 nan dao zhe zhong bu wan mei Could it be that this imperfectness 才是愛情真實的樣子 cai shi ai qing zhen shi de yang ziis what love really is.
Happy new year.
